Aging for dummies, like me.

Aging is a disgusting habit. Yes, my doctor was all thrilled when I quit smoking, not one word about the negative effects of getting older. He was thrilled when I started going to the gym and exercising, but not one comment on how much time was dragging me down. "Eating vegetables, great idea, but maybe you should try not growing old so quickly."

It is getting hard to see things without my glasses. Our optometrist explained that it was a side effect from aging, your eyes lose their elasticity, or the shape changes or something, I don't really remember.

It is getting harder to remember things. Obviously, this was never a strength, but recently it is a habit, an addiction. Find out something important, better write it down, now where did I put that pen, and is that a note pad over by the refrigerator? Hey, as long as I am at the fridge might as well make a sandwich, grab a pop. What was I going to do again? Oh yeah, have a sandwich.

And it had better be something with some food value, because there is no bouncing back from empty calories anymore. Eating it adds the pounds and they are there forever. A slowing metabolism guarantees anything above subsistence food will still be there next doctor visit. And he hates a few extra pounds. Exercise doesn't help, it hurts.

Oh, sure, I hit the gym routinely. Now though, it has started hitting back. Huge, crushing body blows, filled with malice, and anger, leave me reeling in breathless pain, as I climb onto the treadmill and hold tight. Just hoping it won't throw me off the back of the machine in sobbing pile of ancient, broken humanity.

And through it all they say, "How are the golden years, Tim? Bastards, anyway.

I am kind of an expert on getting older.

Every morning, on the morning news program we watch, they interview an "expert." Sometimes a doctor, nutritionist, or other clearly defined, documentable authority.  Once in a while the expert is a little more vague, and a little less clinical, maybe a "transportation specialist," from a local school district, or a "home improvement generalist" from a hardware store. People whose credentials might not prove to be so expensive, and time consuming to attain.

It has driven me, consumed me, I need to become an expert. But, at what? That is the question that has haunted me, woke me at night, troubled my waking hours. At what task can I be considered an expert?

Parenting is something that has taken a toll on me for the last twenty years. But, my wife does most of the heavy lifting when it comes to raising our children (thank God). I have really been more of a babysitter, a really fun babysitter to be sure, but not really an expert Father. Not even an expert babysitter. More of a sub-novice, who can warm pizza rolls and macaroni and cheese all while holding an Xbox controller, and getting beaten very soundly by both sons at whatever game we were playing, which eliminates expert gamer.

Then, in a flash of brilliance, in a blinding, white hot, fireball of advanced reasoning it hit me. I am going to become an expert on aging.

Everyday, I get a little older, or less young, if you prefer. And, I do it pretty well, too, if you ask me. I can even do it while sleeping, or watching tv. In fact, I am an authority on getting older. And when interviewed on the Morning News I will help everybody get older, too.

"So, Tim, what advice do you have for people who might be thinking about getting older?"  They will ask.

"Bob, (you don't mind if I call you Bob, do you?) I would tell them they should go ahead and get older, it is a great decision.  In fact, four out five doctors recommend that their patients get older, regularly."

"Well, Tim, my name is Mike, so I would prefer if you call me Mike. What steps should people follow if they want to get older?"

"Oh, sorry about that, Jeff, my mistake, If people are serious about aging, and I am, they should remember to breath, all the time. Well, maybe not when they are underwater, but most of the rest of the time. Of course, if you are really keen on getting older, Bill, you will try not to be underwater anymore than absolutely essential, possibly never."

"Well, Marcia, thanks for the wonderful insight, our viewers will be dying to live longer now that you have explained how."

"You are very welcome, Jane."

There is a lot more advice, so stay tuned to my new blog, Life Explained, explains aging.